Depressing: "What If?" Grades to Remain Wishful Thinking

Breaking news! The "What If?" grades you put into Canvas will indeed remain superfluous flights of fancy.

But you're not alone.

With the semester drawing to a close, students everywhere are shocked to discover that they were really only fooling themselves with their own rose-tinted grades.

Donn Luis (C ‘22), a chemistry major with a 1.1 GPA, gets a kick out of tinkering with his “What If?” grades instead of studying.

“It feels nice to see big numbers on my screen,” Luis said, giving himself a 2000 out of 150 on his lab practical. “The bigger the number, the bigger the buzz.”

However, Helen Marshall (E ‘22), who habitually filled out her "What If?" grades before going to sleep every night, has become disillusioned with the tool.

“Even the name taunts me and makes me doubt my very existence,” Marshall said, breaking into tears. “‘What if’ I had done just a bit better on that one midterm? ‘What if’ I actually put in some effort on that one group project? ‘What if’ I avoided getting body slammed into a concrete frat house patio and requiring serious medical attention that one time? It's hard to think about.”

Dr. Jane Merriman, a medical professional from Student Health Services, has chimed in about the pitfalls of “What If?” grades.

“Students who have become dependent on these optimistic fake grades won’t be able to get their fix once the semester ends,” Merriman said. “I advise addicted students to pick up a healthier habit like Juuling or smoking cigarettes.”