Campus Alert: Decent Assault Reported at 38th and Walnut

Last Sunday, an assault occurred outside of Huntsman Hall on the corner of 38th and Walnut streets, according to a UPenn Alert.

At around 9:05 p.m. Julian Duran (C ‘21), a Melbourne native, was briefly assaulted before the perpetrator, a middle-aged white male, fled the scene.

“I reckon that drongo thought he’d have a good go at me,” Duran recounted. “He got a few good licks in — a decent assault I’d say.”

Samantha Jones (W ‘20) witnessed the assault from afar and generally agreed with Duran’s assessment. “Look, I’ve seen better assaults, I’ve seen worse assaults,” she said. “Yeah the guy hit him a few times, but he missed a couple easy shots too. Honestly, as far as assaults go, it left a lot to be desired.”

Matthew Tannenbaum, a College junior, couldn’t help but agree with his peers. “I really wanted to tell you that I saw a genuinely cool assault, but I didn’t,” Tannenbaum said. “I’d just finished up my first exam of the summer, and all I wanted was to see a few good body shots before I went home. Sadly, my blood lust was ruined by this incompetent buffoon who couldn’t even land a combo punch. To tell you the truth, I’m the biggest victim in all of this.”

Disappointingly, this summer’s first campus assault was a dud. Luckily for us though, with the frequency of crime on campus, we’re due for a good ol’ fashioned beat-down sometime before Fall Semester.