“OMG, Peggy Got Pregnant!” and Four Other Pieces of Juicy Hometown Gossip That You Don’t Care About Anymore

It’s summertime, and that means for one week or two weeks or too many weeks you get the privilege of being submerged once again in the piping hot tea that’s been brewing in your hometown ever since you left for school. Maybe if you still lived here year round you could muster the emotional energy necessary to give a damn, but honestly you’re just too tired. But your old pal Jessica’s been going to community college, and you best believe that she’s going to tell-all over brunch, whether you like it or not. 

1. “Did you hear that Peggy got pregnant!?”

You have enough problems with your own uterus, so why should you care about the uterus of the girl who always got kicked out of your freshman bio class for texting? Rumor has it that no one knows who the father is, but that she kept the baby anyway. Jessica brings up a Facebook photo as evidence in case you don’t believe her. Apparently Peggy dropped out of community college to move in with her grandmother in Florida to raise the kid. “Could you imagine,” gushes Jessica, practically salivating over her scoop. “That poor girl!” 

You mumble agreement from behind the forkful of eggs Benedict you just shoveled into your mouth. 

2. “Brad and Becky finally banged!!”

Cool. You’re proud of them. Jessica heard it from Rebecca who heard it from Rachel who heard it from Becky herself, and this little tidbit serves as the climax of the simmering sexual tension shared between the two during the lead-up to graduation. Apparently they did the deed when Brad took a eight hour bus ride to Becky’s college over his spring break. Rumor has it that he only lasted three minutes, and that Brad and Becky don’t talk anymore. Spicy!

3. “Josh Failed Out of School!” 

You laugh. Josh isn’t special. You’re constantly on the brink of dropping out anyway. If you really wanted to blow your college fund on trips to Hawaii and Thailand to “find yourself”, you could do it at anytime. Hell, you could probably do it better than Josh ever could. Huh. Food for thought when you fail your first midterm in the fall. 

4. “Charlie, got like, so fat at college.”

Jessica is really fishing for bombshells at this point and pulls up Charlie’s instagram. You barely talked to Charlie when you had AP Lit together, and his increased BMI adds nowhere near enough spice to that man’s saltine-flavored life for you to become invested in it. And besides, his extra chubbier cheeks sort of work for him.