Yikes! Sophie’s Facebook Suggested Friends Are Literally All Demons from Her Past

Sophie Patterson (C ‘21) likes to think she’s a good person.“I always make sure to recycle my Franzia boxes, and use one of my three S’wells to avoid consuming unnecessary plastic," said Patterson. "Goddammit, I even went vegan for, like, five hours when that dairy video circulated the Gram.” 

Evidently, however, the Forces That Be have found much to be desired from Patterson's conduct on this mortal plane. “I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” she lamented, “but whenever I log onto Facebook, my “Suggested Friends” is always some combination of ex-hook-ups, former TA’s, and ultra-conservative PTA moms from my hometown.” A dark look entered Patterson’s eyes. “I ghosted all of those people for a reason, Facebook. I don’t need to be reminded of their existence, please and thank you.” 

The abuse suffered by Patterson at the hands of the Facebook algorithm is particularly hurtful because she does so much in her daily life to avoid any and all confrontation. “I stopped walking on Locust years ago,” explained Patterson, “and I wear sunglasses even in winter so that I can pretend to not make eye contact with people. I refuse to eat in any restaurant or food establishment within a 15 block radius of this campus, and I leave my off-campus apartment only when strictly necessary. But the instant I decide to let my guard down and mindlessly scroll through Facebook, that’s when I’m forced to consider the mistakes of my past.” 

Although Patterson has seriously considered uninstalling Facebook on her phone on several occasions due to this very phenomenon, something has always given her pause. Reported Patterson, “Of course I hate being reminded of NSO Brad and that time I failed freshman year chem. But on the other hand, I think it’s a really good opportunity for, like, .5 seconds of self-reflection before I move on and stare at cat videos for two hours. And besides, I need Facebook to tell me when Pool Party tickets go on sale.”