Inspirational! Insta Stories Successfully Guilt Trip Kendra to Go Vegan for Five Hours

When Kendra opened up her Instagram feed Tuesday morning, she didn’t expect her entire belief system to be shaken to its core. As soon as Kendra opened her friend Kayla’s Insta story, she was bombarded with videos of cows and baby calves being punched, kicked, and otherwise abused. Reportedly, Kendra gasped, “How horrific!” and pretended to act shocked, despite already seeing countless other videos of the same thing that she’s simply chosen to forget about. 

Enraged at the abuses of late stage capitalism and confronted with the realization that her purchasing decisions have moral consequences, Kendra reposted the videos to her own story and proudly declared that she was “so done” with the meat and dairy industries. Immediately Kendra’s DM’s were flooded with praise from all of her fellow fresh vegan converts. As she mindlessly basked in the glory of her own self-righteousness, Kendra found herself physically unable to register the fact that she was munching on a Slim Jim as a late morning snack. 

A couple of hours later, reported Kendra, all of that praise was but a distant memory in the face of her all-consuming craving for meat, dairy, and generally any food product derived from an animal or animal carcass. “Yeah, low-key I didn’t realize that so many things came from animals,” confessed Kendra. “If I had known that even cheese came from animals, well, maybe I would have thought a little bit longer about going vegan.” Kendra shook her head. “But I’ll stay true to my convictions. Whenever I find myself about to bite into a juicy, perfectly cooked quarter pounder absolutely smothered in deliciously gooey American cheese, I’ll think of all those poor baby calves and stop myself. And I mean, I already told everyone online that I’m going vegan, so that means I sort of have to do it, right?”

The next day Kendra could be found in the back of the local McDonald’s, tearing into three separate hamburgers with reckless abandon, reveling in every bite of beef that she would have denied herself the night before. When pressed for comment, Kendra simply replied, “Did you check out my Insta story? I literally just reposted something I saw about saving the whales.”