Breaking: Low-Tier Frat Bro Already Practicing His "Take a Lap" for Upcoming NSO Season

Fraternities across campus have already begun the exciting process of establishing a fall event schedule — with whom will they mix? What themes will their events have? What incompatible flavors of alcohol will join together to create the most suspicious smelling, albeit drinkable, Jungle Juice? 

Most importantly, though, fraternities must consider what impression they aim to give off to newly arrived freshmen, hungry for alcohol, sweaty basements and bathing in the naiveté of their university’s social hierarchy.  

Chadwick “Chad” Lisette of Englewood, New Jersey, a brother of Knights, allowed me an insider’s look into his NSO preparation process. 

“Sorry, guys, take a lap and I’ll see what I can do,” he cooly said to his reflection in the mirror of his mother’s bathroom as he exhaled a warm tobacco cloud from his juul. 

“You see,” as he shook his head in disapproval, “That one was too generous. I don’t wanna seem like some kind of pushover.” 

“Also,” he said while gesturing towards his juul, “responding while juuling increases my chances of choking on the vapor and coughing like a pussy…can’t have that either.”

Chadwick gave it another go: 

*scoffs* “Wait, how many girls do you have with you?” *rips juul* “Eh…Take a lap, guys.” 

“I mean, I guess that one was better…juul rip placement is essential, and I think locating it between my question and subsequent response makes me seem like I gave it some thought.” 

His eyes unlocked with those of his reflection as he turned to me: “Which I didn’t, of course. No one is getting into our party this NSO.”