Penn Medicine, Confused, Moves 12.5-ton Sphincter for the First Time in 93 Years

Early last week, the Penn Museum relocated their 12.5 ton Sphinx statue for the first time in 93 years. The high tech move from the lower Egypt exhibit to the main entrance of the museum took a team of half a dozen people three days to complete. The event drew extensive press attention, not to mention a crowd of 100 people, 93 of whom were sad, procrastinating medical students looking through windows from the hospital across the street. 

Longing for press attention for anything besides their marijuana research, Penn Medicine decided to have a moving party of their own. “For the first time in 93 years and also for the first time ever, Penn Medicine will be relocating their 12.5-ton Sphincter statue from the basement of HUP to the main lobby!” said Penn Medicine Dean, J. Larry Jameson from the top of a soapbox on Monday. “Yeahhh!” cheered a single homeless man, smoking on the corner of 34th and Spruce where the speech took place. 

“Absolutely fucking not.” said a pantsuit-clad Amy Gutmann in a press statement on College Green early Tuesday morning. Cheers erupted from the crowd. "I love you, Amy!" shouted every Penn student in unison. Sources say her smile and tone were somehow as cheery as always. 

Naturally, the fistfight between Gutmann and Jameson, the two great overlords of Penn, will take place in the Palestra this Saturday at high noon as per the Official Penn Battle Standards. Look out this Saturday night for the results, as only they can determine the fate of the Penn Medicine Sphincter.