Life Hack: My Apartment Is Supposed to Be Quiet After Midnight, But I Can't Tell Time

Guess who’s laughing now? Certainly not my third grade classmates who made fun of me for my inability to tell time. No, now it’s my turn to laugh because I beat the system better than anyone ever has before. For me, tons of rules simply don’t applysince I am unable to tell time.

And it’s not just analog clocks, which by the way several studies have found are just poorly disguised ouija boards. No, I’m talking about straight-up digital clocks too. Like, it’s all just numbers, and I can never figure out which ones you’re supposed to add together to get the answer. Don't get me started on the whole word system with things like “midnight” or “quarter to five” or “right fucking now.” It was bad enough when people mixed letters in with numbers for algebra, did they really need to ruin time too?

I knew I was doing something right all those years ago when my peers were learning to tell time while I was teaching myself how to make an origami rectangle (I know you fold it once in half, but which way? Hot dog or hamburger?). My parents told me that I would regret it someday, when everyone I knew could tell time and it became too late for me to ask for help. Boy must they feel stupid now!