Balance Wizard? A Guy Just Passed By Me At a Party Without Putting His Hand On My Lower Back

I didn’t believe it until it happened to me. I’d always assumed that there was some biological difference between men and women that made it impossible for a man to pass behind a woman in close quarters without putting his hand somewhere on her body - usually, the lower back.

You know the feeling: that slight pressure from the top half of someone’s sweaty fingers right along your spine; Mr. Brightside’s probably playing, you’re holding an almost empty cup of vodka mixed with sprite, you’re trying to accidentally on purpose make intense eye contact with that hot guy in your econ class, that kind of thing. Since I’d never experienced a dude pass by me at a party without putting his hand(s) somewhere on my body, I assumed that it was a balance thing unique to men.

Maybe they were just incapable of supporting their big heads without holding onto something for balance? Or maybe evolution had worsened their eyesight in the dark somehow so they needed to feel where they were going to supplement their sense of sight? I don’t know, I hadn’t given it a lot of thought. It was just one of those things I assumed was right, like gravity existing and global warming being fake.

But all at once, everything changed. It was a regular Thursday night in a disgusting basement so like all the others I’d been to, and there was no indication that my life was about to change forever. Suddenly, a guy started to pass behind me. It took me a second to notice that something was missing, but finally I realized that the guy had successfully passed by me without putting his hand on my lower back.

How could he have done it? The physics simply didn’t make any sense! I racked my brain, trying to find the equation that would answer this impossible question, but I came up short. I never even got his name. But I’ll never forget him.