Junior Who Has Never Cried Had Tear-Eating Bees Behind His Eyes All Along

College Junior Sam Washington had gone two whole years at Penn without shedding a single tear  — a feat unheard of since Elon Musk went all four years at the school without crying or smiling.

While Washington thought perhaps he was able to resist the intense pressure of Penn and the mental toll it takes on its students, in fact he just had bees behind his eyes eating all his tears. It’s unclear how these innovative bees got inside of Washington’s eyes, but by the time they were removed, they were double the size of a typical honey bee. It turns out Washington had been crying far more than the typical Penn student.

“Honestly my whole life has been turned upside down,” Washington said of this debacle. “Everyone I know at school has thought I was some unemotional psychopath for the past two years. In the meantime, every investment bank and tech company has been on my ass trying to hire me for an internship.”

Word of Washington’s condition has circulated the school and caused a new discussion about mental health. Over the past week, many students have expressed anger over President Gutmann’s decision to spend $22.7 million dollars on a party house rather than improve CAPS. Gutmann claims she now has a much cheaper mental health solution.

“Hear me out,” Gutmann started in a recent trustee meeting. “Free bee implants for every student who enters CAPS. Give it a year or two, and they’ll be calling us Johnson & Johnson University — no more tears.”

Gutmann received a thirty minute round of applause.