OP-ED: I Don’t Have a Foot Fetish, I’m Just Really Passionate About Toes

Ok, I know exactly what you’re thinking. No, I am absolutely not attracted to feet in a sexual way. Not uh. I actually really hate feet. They’re like, really unhygienic, being on the ground so much and all. And also they smell. Some weirdo might think they smell really good, like Gorgonzola that’s been aged to perfection. But that’s not me, no sir. I am the least foot-loving person that you’ve ever met. Like, I’d cut off my own feet if I could, haha.  

But also I don’t think it’s weird if I like toes. Like, have you ever looked at a toe? It’s like a finger, but a baby. And babies are cute, right? So I think it’s perfectly reasonable to think that toes are cute, too. And I mean, what purpose do our toes serve anymore? Like, balance, yeah. But balance isn’t that important. I think God gave us toes not because we need them, but because they’re nice to look at. 

You can tell a lot about a person based on their toes. That’s why whenever I’m talking to someone I always ask for pictures of their toes. If their toes look all janky and gross, I know that they as an individual are also janky and gross. Toes are like horses, and they need to be trimmed and showered with a lot of love and affection to look their best. And if you can’t even take care of your toes, how are you supposed to take care of mine? Besides, if you have gross toes, I won’t suck them, no matter how attractive the rest of you is. Not that I have or would ever suck someone else’s toes, haha. Because if I did, that would sound a lot like a foot fetish, which is something that I definitely do not have. 

Oh, but you wouldn’t happen to know someone else who’s really into toes, would you? Like, definitely not someone with a foot fetish, because that’s gross and I’d never hook up with someone if they had one. Just someone who’s specifically interested in toes. And maybe also really passionate about sucking toes, because I think it’d be interesting to talk to them. For perspective, you know?