New Jersey’s Revenge? Penn Freshman Haunted By Ghost of Discarded Princeton Hoodie

Getting accepted into Penn was Curtis Lucero’s big break.

Finally, it was time to close the Common App, toss out all that other college merch, and get his Quaker on. But little did he know, what he initially thought was a dream come true would soon become his worst nightmare.

Ever since he exchanged his old outfit for a sleek Penn pullover, the crushing guilt of abandoning his favorite Princeton hoodie figuratively—⁠and literally—⁠haunted Lucero.

“It’s been weeks since it started following me,” Lucero said wearily, motioning to the translucent Princeton sweatshirt hovering behind him. “I’ve already tried yelling ‘college rankings don’t matter’ at the top of my lungs, but nothing seems to faze it.”

UTB reached out to the ghoulish garment itself for their take on the situation.

“You wore me throughout high school, Curtis. We shared skins. Then Ivy Day comes and you think you can just get rid of me like spam from a desperate midwestern school?” the hooded abomination from New Jersey boomed. “Try all you might, you will never be able to escape your own faux intellectualism!”

Defending himself against the forgotten hoodie’s accusations, Lucero reiterated that he had no choice but to trash the tiger-themed sweater.

“It wasn’t anything personal. I knew that if my fellow Quakers saw me donning a rival school’s sweatshirt, they would publicly gut me and proceed to hoist my entrails on the Fisher-Bennett flagpole as an example for all to see,” Lucero explained through tears. “It just had to be done.”

Princeton officials declined to comment on the vengeful ghost situation, citing the fact that “the kid should have just donated the hoodie to Goodwill or something.”