Biden, Stop Wearing Sunglasses We Know You Have Pink Eye

Joe Biden is hiding a dark secret. Behind his patented aviators, but top of his gaffe-full mind, the former Penn Presidential Professor of Practice’s eyes are riddled with pink eye. His penchant for covering his face with ray-bands that went out of style twenty years ago should’ve been a sign. Like Cyclops' eyes from the X-Men, Mr. Biden’s eyes were never meant to be seen by us.

But here’s the thing. This isn’t “relatable.” I know that he thought he could convince impressionable 18 year olds, who are just now entering college and mysteriously getting pink eye from their roommates flatulating all over their pillows, to vote for him, but it just isn’t gonna work. Without Medicare For All, how will they afford the treatment to fix their pink eye like you can, Joe? Without college debt forgiveness, how will these kids afford a sick pair of shades to hide their disease-ridden eyes?

Now I understand on the campaign trail, Joe is forced to speak for hours on end inside of buildings, where it is not socially acceptable to look like you’re dressing up as a Vietnam fighter pilot for Halloween every day. He’s gotta take the glasses off at debates and town halls, right? Wrong. It was a climate forum. He could’ve played it off in his hokey way and made some joke that in fifty years (not twelve cut the malarkey) we’ll all be wearing sun glasses to shield our eyes from the sun’s toxic rays.

In Joe’s defense, though, everyone gets pink eye at some point: white kids and poor kids.