Career Services Tells Junior to Go Fuck Herself

College junior Beatrice Granger began this semester with the hope of figuring out her post-graduate plans. A PPE and Christian Science major, she hasn’t put too much thought into a career since coming to Penn, but, this semester, she wanted to change that. As a result, she booked an appointment at Career Services.

Upon arriving at her consultation, her career advisor asked her some basic questions about her interests, majors, sexual history, vibes, and previous work experience, entering them all into the artificial intelligence career calculator in her Career Services desktop.

“Okay, now let’s see your results,” said the advisor as she typed in some commands.

“Okay, sounds good. After talking with you, I think I might want to go into the nonprofit sector and apply for some campaign organizing internships, so thank you for all of your help.”

“Oh, of course. And it looks like the algorithm has completed your search — let’s have a look.”

Granger anxiously awaited the software’s decision, and after a few seconds, the advisor looked her directly in the eyes and said, “so it looks like, in terms of your majors and work experience, your only option is to go fuck yourself. The career possibilities matrix lists no plausible options for you other than that. I hope that’s helpful.”

It was not helpful.