OP-ED: Do You Want to Go out Tonight? I Know a Frat That Will Make Us Both Really Uncomfortable

Hey, it’s me. I was thinking that, because we both had such a hard week (I personally had class for several hours each day), we should have a little fun tonight. I know this frat on Spruce where we’ll have a really bad time and immediately want to leave.

The guys at this frat are simultaneously really mean to everyone and also sexually attracted to everyone, so it’s the perfect environment to make us feel uncomfortable. We’ll have to worry about what’s going into our drinks the whole time, and the music will be really offensive, so I think it will be perfect. 

Another thing — I know literally nobody there, so we’ll either have to introduce ourselves to people or just talk to each other until we go crazy. I think we should accidentally split up halfway through the party and spend the rest of the night looking around the house for the other.

Oh also, I know this girl who got a concussion and broke her arm falling down the stairs last weekend, so I guess you could say this party’s going to be amazing.