No More Stairs! Pottruck-Goers Must Now Ascend Rock Climbing Wall to Reach Top Floor

Read my lips: no more stairs!

In a collective victory for gym junkies campus-wide, Pottruck has gotten rid of its iconic main staircase by blasting it to smithereens with a wrecking ball. In order to reach the recreation center’s top floor, visitors will now be required to man up and scale a 40-foot rock climbing wall.

“They finally turned my own twisted perception of the Pottruck fitness hierarchy into a tangible, stone-cold reality,” said dusty, first-floor peasant Carole Bowen (C ‘22).

Since the big reveal, fitness nuts from all over have tested their mettle on the facility’s indoor climbing wall in a spectacle of blood, sweat, and tears. Running through their minds is just one simple goal: the resplendent glory of being crowned a fourth-floor fitness king.

Overseeing the infernal rat race is none other than Pottruck Community Manager Dan Halleman.

“Participants don’t get harnesses. Also, we’ve coated all of the rocks with Crisco just for that extra challenge,” said Halleman, howling at the sight of another climber slipping and plummeting to their demise. “YES! The weak wither away, and the strong prevail!”

While some claim Pottruck's new gauntlet is “sadistic” and “inhumane,” that hasn’t stopped frequent climbers from continuing to try their luck.

“All I want is to reach those damn golf simulators on the third floor,” coughed Cody Hoover (W ‘20), his body bleeding and riddled with bruises. “Can you really blame a guy for wanting to play the ol’ 18 holes every once in a while?”