Penn Bookstore Promises a Thousand Curses upon Students’ Firstborns If They Don’t Get Their Textbooks Right Now

Citing a trend of declining profits in the past few years, the Penn Bookstore has recently announced that it is taking a far more aggressive sales approach. If students do not purchase their textbooks by the very first day of class, the bookstore will utilize Dr. Gutmann’s strong connection to the Dark Powers to cast a thousand curses upon their firstborns. 

“We tried playing nice,” tutted Penn bookstore manager Angela Pratt. “How audacious it is that Penn students wait until the end of the course shopping period before buying their texts! Although we tried gently bombarding students with mildly-worded emails, we found that this approach was entirely ineffective.” 

Pratt’s lips were pressed together into a firm line of resolve. “We live in a difficult age, but it is an age that is especially difficult for bookstores across the nation and on this campus. Although we might look like we suckle from the teat of Father Penn, in actuality we simply do not know if we will be able to open our doors the next day. If we did not want to be shuttered forever, we had to take drastic measures.” 

And so far, these drastic measures seem to be working. Kyle Whitney (W ‘21), who has never purchased a single book from the store in all his time at Penn, could be seen leaving the bookstore this past Monday, shoulders slumped and his arms full of textbooks. Eyes hollow and welling with mute horror, Whitney could barely muster the strength to speak to UTB. “Dr. Gutmann… she showed me what would happen to my son…” whimpered Whitney. “I would donate so much to Penn... millions and millions… but my son⁠—” Whitney’s voice cracked. “My son wouldn’t even get into the College of Arts and Sciences… he’d go to community college… and worse still, he’d be a fine arts major!” 

With this new policy in place, the bookstore fully expects to become the only viable option for purchasing textbooks, incentivizing students to stay away from low Amazon prices and digital bootlegs at the risk of forfeiting their children’s legacy status. “I’m so happy that all of our Penn students are back inside our doors,” smiled Pratt. “We really missed all of you.”