To Save Money, Pottruck Will Only Stay Open First 5 Days of Semester

With all the recent construction around campus, you might start to wonder where exactly all the money is coming from to fund all of those fancy cranes. Look no further. Starting Spring 2020, Penn will close Pottruck gym after the first week of the semester, and it will remain closed until the fall semester, upon which it will reopen for another week. According to Campus Recreation Director Dr. Saul Marsh, “the gym basically goes empty after week one. Either its people giving up on their new years’ resolutions, or realizing that their schedule isn’t quite as soft as they thought. No point lighting and heating an empty mausoleum for 12 months a year.” 

In addition to permitting the University to only raise tuition by a modest 4% into next year, this decision will also go a long way in reducing Penn’s carbon footprint.

Surveyed students expressed a mix of opinions, including “what’s Pottruck?” and “how am I supposed to make my famous poolwater cocktails now?”

At press time, Fox gym announced to little fanfare that it still existed.