Power Trip! Lucy Gets off on Getting into Frats with Hordes of Freshmen Outside

Last Friday night local bad-bitch Lucy Fisk got into Theta Apple Pi. Although she was on the way to her regularly scheduled dick appointments with Tom and Ralph that night, she didn’t even need to step into the brothers’ bedrooms to feel satisfied. 

Surrounding the frat’s porch was a horde of freshmen, dressed in their riskiest outfits. Lucy, a sophomore in the College, was initially turned off by the crowds of freshmen that were impeding her quest for some quality manmeat. “Ugh,” said Fisk with a huff of contempt. “Freshmen are so annoying. They’re so fucking entitled and think that they can get into any frat they want if they swarm it long enough. And plus, like, freshmen who try to go out every weekend are so immature. It’s not a competition to get MERTed every weekend, sweeties.” 

Although Fisk herself was but four months removed from her freshman year, she felt so beyond the underclassmen riffraff. “I parted those fuckers like the Red Sea,” reported Fisk. “I shoved my way to the top of the stairs like the bad-ass that I am. I’m sort of a familiar face at Apple Pi, and my old fuck buddy Tom (who I’m still on very good terms with actually) was at the door. Tommy grabbed me by the arm and literally threw me into the frat.” A dreamy look entered Fisk’s eyes. “And all these freshmen tried to pretend that they were in my group or some shit, and their arms were reaching out for me as if they were the slaves of Mereen and I was their Khaleesi. It was the most magical moment of my entire life.”

After having crossed through the frat’s portal, Fisk realized that she didn’t even need to see Tom and Ralph anymore. “My brain was, like, marinating in endorphins. I was high as shit, and I hadn’t even taken a hit from Robby’s bong. Is this how Miley Cyrus feels all the time? Cause holy shit, no wonder she’s so coo-coo.” 

Sources close to Fisk report that for the rest of the night she could be found on Apple Pi’s porch, taking hits from her Juul and blowing smoke into the face of the pathetic freshmen who came crawling up the stairs.