Report: 90% of the Class of 2023 Learned Good Words from Their Parents' Record Players

In last Thursday’s Democratic debate, former Vice President Joe Biden assaulted the audience’s ears with a two-minute diatribe on everything from racial relations to how to raise your kids. The lesson: make sure the lil fellas listen to the record player so they can hear words.

According to a recent survey of Penn freshmen, 90% of the class learned the best words from vinyl. These kids learned important words like flapdoodle, tommyrot, and codswallop. The 10% who were not exposed to record players actually listened to phonographs as children.

“People think the record player method is total piffle, but I’ll tell you that anyone who says it doesn’t work is engaging in a whole bunch of jiggery-pokery if you ask me,” Jaren Thompson (C ‘23) said.

Biden’s comments led to a Twitter storm of backlash and jokes about his outdated comment, but many freshmen still support the former Vice President.

“I read what they said on Twitter, and it’s all humbuggery,” Julia West (W ‘23) told us. “It’s true. When I was a kid most other girls were out doing monkeyshines on each other, being immature. But I’m here today because my sockdolager parents had the wherewithal to play me the phonograph before I hit the hay.”

Clearly there’s a method behind Joe Biden’s madness.