OP-ED: Buying Back to School Stationery Is the Only Way I Can Feel Anything Anymore

It’s that time of year again: back to school time! I like to delay the purchase of my school supplies until the third week of classes, both because I enjoy the surge of adrenaline I get when I desperately search through my backpack for paper to take notes on, inevitably coming up empty handed then writing on a tissue for an hour and a half, and also because there is nothing in my life that provides meaning other than the purchase of stationery. 

The smooth, blank pages, only to be filled with notes and ideas that remind me what a waste of oxygen I am later, are initially a source of great comfort to me. I like to look at them and imagine I am somewhere else, not in a class that makes me wish my skull were filling with blood. I love opening a new pack of pens, feeling them write so smoothly, ignoring the nagging feeling that they will soon empty of ink just like my life drains of value every year as I get closer and closer to my death. I like to record deadlines in my new planner, too, overlooking the fact that it lists dates that will make me feel hollow and empty for the next year because human interaction on holidays and special events cannot keep me linked to this mortal tether. 

There is only one date I cling to: the beginning of the next school year, when this meaningless cycle begins all over again, and I order more pens off of Amazon. Graduation is not an option.