Actuary Science Professor Cancels Final Because he will be Dead Then

The life of an actuary is often grim. Spending every day calculating the odds of death and disaster can make the world seem like a dark and depressing place. Even so, a brave and money-obsessed few study this subject with an intensity that few other fields can match. 

But things aren’t always so gloomy for actuarial science students. This last week, the department's Professor Bonk announced that his actuarial science capstone course’s final would be cancelled. 

“I ran the math,” Bonk noted, “the results are clear.  I’m going to fall into a manhole the morning of the final and meet a soggy and lonely end. No point stressing the kids out further.”

Students replied enthusiastically. Jim Mij (W ‘20) noted that “Dr. Bonk really shows you his mastery of the field. I’ve been working at this for 4 years, and the best I can tell you is that I’m probably going to sneeze at least once tomorrow. Seeing his own end? Wow.”

The department chair offered her condolences to the doomed professor, and noted she had already set up a memorial around the fated manhole. 

At press time, Philadelphia police tallied 12 car crash deaths due to the memorial.