Autumnal Baddie Patiently Awaiting the Day in Which She Can Assume Her Final Form

Ah, the tell-tale signs of fall are upon us! Pumpkin patches, pumpkin spice lattes, basically anything with fucking pumpkins in it. Although the days might be growing shorter, the sunlight dimmer, and the leaves browner, something is a bit off about this fall season. It might be the fact that it’s October and still 85 degrees outside. You can’t even walk to class without people wondering whether you’ve gotten a new Glossier delivery or you just really sweat that much. 

Laura Derns (C ’21) has just had it up to here with the Indian summer conditions of late. A self-described autumnal baddie, Laura’s just been itching to break out those infinity scarves that went out of style four years ago. “Yea, like, I just think it’s super wack that I haven’t felt the slightest breeze yet,” Laura shared while visibly wincing after taking a sip from her hot tea. 

We think it’s pretty wack too, Laura. Laura later mentioned some other fun fall activities she feels like she’s missing out on this year: apple picking with her sorority sisters and being absolutely demolished by the high rise wind tunnel. “Like, you have to believe me when I say that my cold-weather clothing is soo much better than my summer clothes,” Laura said. She, like many others, can only truly dress and finesse when that temperature falls below 70 degrees.

As October creeps up on us, Laura has taken it upon herself to organize a mass funeral for the season once known as autumn. She hopes “it will bring attention to the now endangered species of autumnal baddies.” UTB reporters didn’t have the heart to tell Laura that this is what she gets for voting for Republicans.