Dean Furda First-Ever Penn Official to Apologize to Philadelphia Community

Nowadays, it is all too easy for people in power to shrug off their mistakes. Rare is the official who is willing to humble themselves with an apology. Last week, admissions dean Eric Furda did something that no administrator of the University of Pennsylvania has ever done. Before the eyes of the world, he apologized to the Philadelphia community for his unseemly actions.

In this wholly unprecedented turn, Furda looked in the mirror and saw a man capable of possessing both power and penitence. Acknowledging that his public tirade at the Philadelphia Eagles game was demeaning to the local sports community and the city as a whole, he defied nearly 300 years of university policy. 

“We just don’t do that here,” noted Furda’s secretary Jeff Marrick, who pointedly laughed when we offered to give him anonymity. “Philadelphia is literally just scenery and background noise. If we want to bulldoze random houses west of 47th street to make a picture of Biden that’s visible from space, we’re good to go as long as we don’t let too many rats on the premise. I think Furda could have bought out the Eagles on the spot with spare change from the endowment return. Honestly, I don’t know why the poor guy went and lost face over this.”

At press time, a visibly battered and disoriented Furda appeared before the media and announced that he was “very, very sorry that he had brought shame to the University” and that “absolutely no one should follow in his footsteps or mention his name ever again.”