Crazy: This Guy on Locust Asked Me If I Wanted Double Penetration

“DP?” 

My pleasant stroll was interrupted. I was enjoying the slight chill of the breeze and the fiery red and orange of the leaves on Locust when the guy approached me. His eyes were practically moist with desperation.

Now, I know that I am an incredibly attractive man. In fact, people have likened me to a younger, more handsome Bradley Cooper. However, just because I can get it does not mean that it’s acceptable to hit on me. Although I was secretly very flattered to be asked if I wanted double penetration in broad daylight, that does not mean that the comment was appropriate. 

Now, look. Guys, gays, I get it. You want a piece of the action. You want to know what it’s like to spend a night with me, and, honestly, who doesn’t? I am very sympathetic to the plight of gay loneliness. Honestly, I am. But that does not mean that just any man can walk up to me and demand a sexual favor, let alone a favor as extreme as double penetration. I prefer to take things slow, first of all. Maybe buy me dinner first. Then maybe a chaste kiss. But if you skip immediately to the double penetration, well, where’s the fun in that? 

Also, it takes three to double penetrate. So, like, who’s the third? And are they hot? Not that it matters. But I’m just saying that if you were planning on asking me if I wanted double penetration, you might as well have also let me know who the third party was going to be. Again, not that it’s important. It’s just something that would’ve been nice to know if I WAS interested in double penetration. Which I’m not. 

But just in case the guy on Locust really did mean what he said, I would just like to let the public at large know (and specifically the guy standing on top of the Compass at 9:58 A.M. this morning) that I can be reached anytime by phone call or text, at the number 202-555-0171. I’ll be waiting. Not for a phone call or a text or anything. Just… waiting.