'I Already Finished the Essay' and 5 Other Ways to Be Fucking Annoying

As the semester begins to kick into full gear, students have been inundated with workloads that would make high schoolers rethink their decision of applying to Penn. Waking up earlier, going to bed later — it’s all beginning to exact its toll on their mental health. So, you know what Spencer from PSCI 116, nobody else cares that you already finished the essay.

Grumpier and somehow more entitled than before, students everywhere have had it up to here with this campus’ cutthroat culture (unless they’re the ones winning). Here are five things that might just make you act on those intrusive thoughts you get listening to someone talk about their completed assignment: 

1. Tawking wike a lil babieee foh all of kwass, i’m sowwee mister pwofessuh i’m sooo buusssy i can’t finish this paper yet.
2. Having a security detail on times, performing a full sweep of the room before you enter. 
3. Opening a can of Natty light and loudly proclaiming, “it’s the weekend for me baby,” at the beginning of class.
4. Spending the entirety of class watching JonBenet Ramsay videos without headphones. Right before the class ends, you shout out, “Goddamnit, I’ve finally figured it out!”
5. When someone asks if YOU’VE finished the essay, respond with “yea I actually wrote two, but now I’m just choosing between them.”