Frat Too Cool to Mix with Any Women

Wow. Penn’s most elite fraternity, Pi Upsilon Lambda Pi (PULP), just held their mid-semester meeting to discuss mixers for the rest of the semester. After going through all the options of sororities and other groups on campus, PULP brothers came to the disheartening conclusion that none of the women’s groups on campus were cool enough to mix with them.

“We realized that we’ve just been getting cooler and cooler all the time, but everyone else has been pretty much standing still,” brother Bradley Rogerson (M&T ‘21) told us.

After determining that no women were cool enough for the frat to mix with them, the brothers decided that it was probably best for them to mix only with themselves. “The problem with mixing with people who aren’t as cool as us is that it decreases our own status. It’s kind of like diffusion — if there’s disparate coolness in two groups that are together, the coolness will spread until it’s a consistent concentration…Ah why am I telling you this? You wouldn’t get it,” brother Michael Andrews (C ‘22) said, after realizing that our reporter was a woman.