Concerning! This Girl Has Killed Over 10,000 Spotted Lantern Flies

Jessica Roberts loves supporting her local ecosystem. She has also been looking for a place to channel her enormous reservoir of pent up anger. When she heard that killing a certain type of insect would benefit the environment, Jessica didn’t hesitate to absolutely go off the rails.

Since she first heard about the invasive species, Jessica has killed over ten thousand spotted lantern flies.  At first, she found it satisfying to just step on them, but her means of extermination have evolved over time.

“I like how they don’t move when I try to kill them. It makes me feel like they have no will to leave, and thus makes it easier to wipe them out at a massive scale. Recently, I have used fire (in the form of setting trees on fire) and a demolition hammer to kill them.  I find these methods particularly useful for creating a more sustainably future.”

While Jessica is certainly enjoying her new hobby, her friends have grown concerned, and worry that this obsession has led to dangerous coping mechanisms.

“I’m definitely getting worried for Sarah,” said roommate David Fredrick. “Like, the other day, we were working in our living room, then out of nowhere she said, ‘Well, I’m done with my essay.  I’m going to go outside and unwind a bit.’ Five minutes later, we heard screaming and looked out our front door to see the park across the street burning down, and Jessica running around with a bottle of hairspray and a lighter yelling about ‘Destroying these motherfuckers.’”

“My number one priority right now is preventing the imminent climate crisis from worsening,” said Jessica as she poured bleach into a bag of spotted lantern fly larvae. “I just love this planet so much.”