New Mark’s Cafe Revealed to Be Social Experiment

After several confusing months and just a few stolen Starbucks cold brews, Penn has issued a statement saying the new, entirely self-checkout Marks Cafe has been a mass psychological trial on its student body. The purpose of which, Penn claimed, was to investigate its effect “on our already self-important, entitled student body.”

Researchers in the psychology department sought to reveal the depth of dehumanization that could happen if “other humans were just completely removed from the process of consumption.” However, the results were unexpected. They quickly realized that students weren’t finding new and innovative ways to exploit the system and steal.

Instead, Penn students continued to by-and-large pay for their food like they used to under human surveillance. Dr. Rodriguez, leader of the experiment, said that the “head-assery” of the student body “increased exponentially” throughout the trial. “It was really surprising to us that despite the fact that Penn had continued to exploit its student body through absurdly high tuition costs, they still felt the need to pay for food on campus.” 

In other news, the Board of Trustees has announced further increase in tuition costs for the next academic year.