New College House West to Be Built out of Cardboard

In an expected move to cut costs, Penn will be partnering with Amazon to construct New College West. The new dorm building, which will be designed by famed 6-year-old architect Calvin and his associate Hobbes, will be built using materials supplied by Amazon@Penn. For instance, walls and structural elements will be constructed with cardboard and fastened with postage tape; recycling bins will be used as toilets. 

“I am excited to partner with Penn on this unprecedented undertaking,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. “I am especially good at reducing costs and treating my clients and workers like trash, and I’d love to help Penn develop this skill.”

The response among Penn students has been generally positive.

“I am happy that my room and board cost will go down,” said College junior Brook Asphuc.  “Now I only need to sell myself once more to finally be able to buy a textbook.”

New College House West will also likely be a favorite among cat owners. 

“My cat will love the New College House West,” said Katherine Khatte. “I bet Mittens will be so excited to destroy the new dorm. As for me, I don’t really mind the construction material. Besides, cardboard walls aren’t a vast downgrade from the walls in the high-rises.”