Penn Football Suffers Crushing Defeat, Distracted By Newer, Hotter Quaker

In what has been described as one of the most embarrassing losses for Penn football in the past 75 years,  the Quakers endured a shut-out at the hands of their arch-nemesis, the Princeton Tigers this past Saturday. Although analysts have pointed to everything from poor coaching on the part of Coach Ray Priore to the Quakers' toothless offense, experts concur that the real reason for the poor showing was none other than the Penn Quaker himself. 

After having undergone intensive plastic surgery, the Penn Quaker is no longer the terrifying behemoth that athletes and fans have come to know and love. From his burly yet supple limbs and tastefully toned rear, the Penn Quaker has gotten the handsome Squidward treatment. What was once a blob of a jawline has been sharpened, and now the Quaker’s jaw doubles as a knife in a pinch. The Quaker’s new nose is a master class in the art of the nose job, and his new hair actually looks like it’s been washed in the past week. The Quaker’s new threads further add to his new-found sexiness, and his top-hat demands that all eyes in the stadium be on him at all times. 

Unfortunately for the Quakers, ogling the school mascot is not the road to victory. While the Princeton Tigers were able to resist the Quaker’s gorgeous looks because of their disdain for all things beautiful, Penn football couldn’t look away. “Look,” said quarterback Donovan White, “I know that we messed up, big time. But don’t blame us. Take one look at that new mascot and just try to tell me that he couldn’t get a lil somethin’ somethin’." 

Rick Douglas, the Quakers’ running back, agrees with his QB. “Something’s gotta change for next Saturday, and it sure as hell doesn’t have anything to do with us. If that Quaker wants to look all cute in his tight lil waistcoat, there’s a time and a place for that, and it’s not during Saturday’s game. I think he should have a bag over his head during the game, and then I think he should know that my number is 267-876-5544 if he ever wants to hang out sometime. Tell him to call me. Please.”