Report: Penn’s Endowment Has Shrinkage

Penn is no longer well-endowed. After years of the university’s endowment growing gradually, in 2019, Penn’s endowment lost 6.5% of its girth.

Economic experts believe that the university is suffering from shrinkage. Economics professor Edmund Wiseman has been theorizing as to how Penn has become so poorly endowed.

“It’s possible that Penn jumped into a cold pool right before the Office of Investments measured their endowment and it just wasn’t at full capacity,” Wiseman said. “That’s what happened to me last week when the missus caught me skinny dipping in our pool.”

Other economists have postulated their own theories. Some believe that Penn was too bloated during the endowment measurement, perhaps from all that corrupt bureaucracy. However, NYU economics professor Kenneth Berkow has a different take.

“I think that Penn had a little too much Jack Daniels on the night of the report,” Berkow said. “No man, I mean university, can show their full endowment if they’re nearly passed out drunk.”

While most of Penn’s affiliates and friends have come to its defense, arguing that Penn was just having an off-night, investor Katie Wesley simply disagrees.

“Penn was clearly talking itself up for years,” she said. “Penn was never well-endowed. Like every university, Penn adds at least a couple billion dollars to its endowment, but once you actually measure it, it’s quite disappointing.”