I'm All for Socialism If It Means We Redistribute the Sex on Campus

Look I’m a red-blooded American just like anyone – I mean rock flag and eagle all the way – but this current political climate has really exposed me to some new ideas.

After some research and philosophical introspection, I have come to a new conclusion about my politics. I have decided to support socialism…as long as it means we redistribute the sex on Penn’s campus.

All I can say is that Bernie Sanders is on to something here. The top 1% of frat brothers are having 99% of all the sex on campus, and I think there’s something wrong with that. We need societal change to make sure that I get laid. Look, my best years are slipping by, and I’m not getting any more handsome. We can no longer push off this pressing issue. 

Sure this change would benefit me, but I am only one member of the 99%! Think of how many lives, men and women, would be changed for better if we were to pass a solid, common-sense sex redistribution policy on this campus. We need to rise up, find the sexual elites on this campus, and storm their Castles, and the Theos houses, and The Hall too, I guess.

I can proudly say that I am now a single-issue voter.