Sophomore Assures Friends That He’s Cuter in Real Life

Last Monday, Melissa Hawkins (N '22) spent her afternoon making sure her friends knew that the guy she hooked up with over the weekend is, like, way cuter in real life. She scrolled through his Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Pinterest to find a flattering, non-blurry picture of his face from the past three years to no avail. All she could find were group pictures from his middle school soccer team and blurry Photo Booth selfies with the sepia filter.

“He hasn’t changed his profile picture in forever,” Hawkins said, refreshing his Facebook page in hopes that he had updated it with a new photo in the past 30 seconds. 

Finally, after 25 minutes of frantic stalking, Hawkins found a photo on his dad’s profile from a fishing trip last June. She showed it to her friends proudly. “Yeah, he’s holding a dead fish in this photo, but he’s really nice, I swear!” she said.

Hawkins' friends nodded and smiled, saying they were really happy for her. They reassured her that everyone was more attractive in real life, and they were sure he was just unphotogenic. After their catch-up sesh, however, the friends were ready to dish. “He looks like Michael Cera in Superbad. But, like, less cute,” said one friend, who asked for her identity to be kept anonymous. "I'd totally bone Michael Cera, but not this guy."

When reached for comment later, Hawkins stuck by her story, saying he's actually really handsome. “If you saw him in real life, you'd agree," she said. "He just doesn’t know his angles.”