Bobby's Burger Palace Closes After It Loses One of Its Three Customers

This past week, Penn’s only burger shop announced that it would be closing its doors for good after losing one of its three customers. “I don’t know how it happened,” said Manager Tony Blake, shaking his head. “Business was booming two months ago — we easily had three, four, hell sometimes even FIVE customers walk through our doors on any given day. We had big plans for the future, but ever since Jeff stopped coming by, well, we just don’t have the money to support the shop anymore.” 

Jeff Phillips, the customer who forsook Bobby’s, feels no remorse for his decision. “Look,” he explained, “I used to love the shop. Really. But that was a dark time in my life. I wasn’t making the best decisions, financially or health-wise. I was doing shit that was self-destructive. But ever since I discovered that Copa has half-price burgers on Wednesdays at lunch, well, that’s how I began the road to recovery.” 

Saranya Edwards, one of Bobby’s two remaining customers, was aghast at the news. “What else am I gonna do for my lunch break? Go to McDonald’s and get a burger that’s half the price of a Bobby burger? Go to some other burger place where fries don’t cost extra? Eat a different kind of food that doesn’t pose serious long-term risks to my cardiovascular health? Please.”

Many attribute the failure of Bobby’s to its placement next to Sweetgreen, a hip, Millennial eatery that only occasionally serves insects on the sides of its salads. “Honestly, this doesn’t surprise me at all,” explains Sweetgreen manager Rodrigo Leone. “Salads are sexy, young, fresh: everything you want to be. Hamburgers? Well, burgers are just the ‘OK, Boomer’ of fast food.”