Bobby’s Burgers Exposed: I’m the One Who Beat Bobby Flay

Bow down to me mere mortals. For I destroyed Bobby’s Burger Palace and I killed your king, Bobby Flay.

Most people think that Bobby’s Burgers closed down due to their abysmal management or highly overpriced burgers. They're wrong. As we all know, inflated prices and rude management are a prerequisite to starting a successful restaurant in West Philly.

Here’s the truth. Last week, I beat Bobby Flay. I waltzed into the establishment and I demanded: “BRING ME BOBBY FLAY." They obliged and the famous restaurateur arrived minutes later. I demanded to beat Bobby Flay. I told him if I won, he shuts down Bobby’s Burger Palace. He, in turn, demanded that if I lose, he would get to spank me at high noon on Locust Walk. Weird, Bobby. Still, I accepted the challenge.

To the kitchen we went. For my first course, I cooked up a surprise haymaker. I knocked him right on his ass. Oh, you thought I was gonna beat Bobby Flay in a cook-off? No, I beat the shit out of Bobby Flay. I beat him to submission, to a pulp.

Let me explain my motivations. When I was ten, I met Bobby Flay. I told him he was my third favorite celebrity chef. I assumed that’s the biggest compliment he’d ever received from a fan. Well, he didn’t take it well and he refused to sign my Jamie Oliver t-shirt. The nerve.

Since then, it’s been my mission to destroy Bobby Flay. I came to Penn just to get closer to his monstrous temple to his own inflated self-image. His Burger Palace.

So yeah, I killed Bobby Flay and with it, his restaurant. I, once and for all, Beat Bobby Flay.