Caps Installs an Elementary School Swing Set on College Green for Students to Brood On

Mental health is a stigmatized issue for many students at Penn. Because student mental wellness is of the utmost importance to Penn, the University has chosen to invest 1.5 hundred dollars in a state-of-the-art swing set, bought secondhand from a nearby elementary school.

"Yea, that thing is a real piece of junk." said one anonymous official of said elementary school. "We actually just replaced it with a new one. So glad Penn can put our old swing set to good use."

What exactly is the "use" intended to be, some may ask. One CAPS official explained, "The swing set is for brooding. Penn researchers have shown that brooding on swing sets makes students feel like they are deep when really they're just depressed. This can actually decrease CAPS waiting times immensely. The fewer kids seek help, the greater success we can claim."

Needless to say, students are flocking to the controversial swing set. "Someone must be having a really hard time," said Billy Chang (C '22 ). "When I went to use to the swing set, the seat was thrown around the bar at the top like 10 times." Reports show that Penn researchers are still developing a way to get the swing set unwrapped.