Democratic Presidential Candidate Who Is Not Elizabeth Warren to Visit Campus as If I Care

Friday afternoon, two Democratic candidates, neither of whom are Elizabeth Warren, are set to speak on campus — as if I care.

Get back to me when Elizabeth Warren is called to the mic.

The two candidates will be discussing their ideas on things like “the economy” and “bipartisanship,” as if I'm supposed to be impressed or something. Do you have a concrete plan for how to pay for Medicare-for-all based off of conservative, but none the less solid, pricing estimates from experts in the field? I don’t think so.

One of the candidates speaking this Friday is a white man who has a lot of money and, therefore, gets to speak on the stage of Perry World House in front of the world's largest television. He seems smart, but in truth, no smarter than my father. My father is incredibly smart but is not allowed to speak on the stage of Perry World House. I do not know this candidate's name and I don’t totally want to learn it. 

If it were between this candidate and my dad, people should learn my dad's name because he, unlike this candidate, has a year-long streak for the NYT crossword puzzle — congratulations to Bruce Wintman. 

The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore. 

What I can say for sure is that he is not Elizabeth Warren. 

I think I may hold a protest against these candidates. Some would say that a protest is short-sighted, considering the fact that these candidates may be the ones up against Trump next November. To that I would clarify, I would not protest because I disagree with everything they are saying necessarily. I would mostly protest because they’re speaking, and they are not experienced bankruptcy lawyer and mother of two, Elizabeth Warren. 

Quite frankly I don’t think anyone should have the right to opinions if they do not have as many plans as my best friend and role model Elizabeth. I should not even be allowed to express opinions here, but clearly, under these circumstances, I must. 

To all Democratic hopefuls looking to speak on Penn's campus, I say come back when you’ve helped pay for your dad’s medical bills in Oklahoma by waiting tables at your Aunt’s Mexican restaurant!

The talk will take place at noon followed by a catered reception. Tickets are free for all Penn students if you really have nothing better to do.