Why Are DP Sports Columnists Under the Impression I Care?

Today, I picked up a DP on Locust Walk. You know I was trying to avoid eye contact, but hey, the distribution person was kind of cute. Listen, we all make mistakes, and maybe I do want to be engaged with what's happening in my school’s community. Like, sure, I hate Penn. We all do. But I also like to be informed. Civic engagement is good.

I was flipping through the pages, perusing the campus’ various goings-on, when I came across a funny little section: the sports section. When I tell you I was completely shocked, you better believe it. An entire section of this student-run newspaper was dedicated to sports! What an absolutely bonkers idea. Like, who the fuck cares? 

If you had a gun to my head and asked me how our sports team had been doing this semester, well, let me at least call my family first to say I love them. Every single headline I read managed to be less interesting than the last. It was honestly kind of insane. 

I don’t even care about normal sports, so good luck with getting me to care about this university’s athletics.  Attention is time, time is money, and I love money. Maybe they should replace the sports column with one about money. That sounds sick.