Driver Blaring Horn Just Wants to Wish You a Good Day

Phew! Jaywalkers all over campus gave a sigh of relief last Thursday when it was revealed that the car barreling toward you and blaring its horn as you crossed 34th Street was actually just trying to wish you a good day.

“I love college students. What better way to show my appreciation than to honk?” said Deborah Singer, owner of the aforementioned 2016 Honda Accord.

Singer, who witnessed you haphazardly stumble in front of her vehicle 20 feet away from the nearest designated crosswalk, did not honk because she wanted you to get out of the way or even to teach you a lesson about looking both ways before crossing the street. In actuality, the visceral honking sounds and the noise of tires skidding on asphalt was just her way of giving you an acoustic pep talk. How sweet!

As it turns out, Singer very much appreciated the fact that you were too busy listening to music through your headphones and looking at your phone to scan the street for vehicles first.

“There’s nothing wrong with listening to a little Post Malone,” Singer said with a smile. “Even if it gives me less than a split-second to react on the road.”

Thanks to the incident, morally-conscious jaywalkers can now breathe easy knowing that the only reason drivers dangerously swerve and hold up their middle finger is to say “hello.”

“For a second there, I was beginning to worry that I was actually inconveniencing drivers,” chronic jaywalker Greg Diggs (C ‘22) explained. “Good thing the frantic horn bursts and streams of expletives shouted out the windows are actually their way of showing me goodwill.”

Despite the fact that all of this could be avoided by using the nearest crosswalk, jaywalking remains a common way for students to save about one minute walking to their very important clubs and activities.

“Look,” Diggs said. “Given a choice between self-interest and being courteous to others, do you really think I’m going to choose the latter?”