Study Shows Drunk Girls Complimenting You More Effective Than Penn’s Mental Health Efforts

Despite the various attempts by the Penn administration to improve the mental health services they provide, many students have found the availability and breadth of resources to be unsatisfactory. Accordingly, a recent Penn survey concluded that drunk girls complimenting you is more effective than Penn’s provided mental health services.

Examples of the types of drunk compliments that are great for mental health were included in the paper: 

“Onh mye gowd yur soooo hot lyke youo donneven know,”

Translation: "Oh my god, you're so hot, like, you don't even know."

“Paul lyek doesen even appreshiyate you lik yuw coud do so mich better.”

Translation: "Paul, like, doesn't even appreciate you. Like, you could do so much better."

“Rachel, no rachel srsisly uor my best fran in tha wurld and yuo deserv to get this job so mush and ure gonna do so good.”

Translation: "Rachel, no, Rachel, seriously, you're my best friend in the world and you deserve to get this job so much, and you're gonna do so [well]."

The procedure depicted in the paper involved conducting surveys about students’ emotional state before and after an interaction with the two independent variables in question. The paper found that students were often more emotionally vulnerable after being told that the next available appointment with CAPS was in 3 weeks than they were in the control state. In contrast, students generally reported higher levels of happiness and confidence after experiencing drunk girls complimenting them.

The scientists behind the study emphasized that the results would need to be repeated to confirm their conclusion. They also emphasized that drunk girls complimenting you should not be used as a replacement for therapy or prescribed medications, but rather can sometimes be a nice supplement.