Eagle Scout Loses Entire Moral Compass After Freshman Year

"A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent." These are the words Cody Gupta (C ‘22) swore to adhere to as he received his Eagle Scout rank that fateful day in 12th grade.

But then freshman year of college happened, prompting Gupta to shed any semblance of a moral compass for the sake of his own convenience. Wow, nobody could have seen this coming.

“If there’s one thing that Penn has taught me, it’s that morals are relative,” mused the fallen Eagle Scout, his eyes heavy and sad.

Gupta, who had once helped grannies cross bustling Manhattan streets, now couldn’t care less about the welfare of others. Don’t expect him to hold the elevator door open for you, and definitely don’t expect him to say “thanks” to his professors after class. Just face it: the steadfast scout who once built flower boxes for the local YMCA is now the type of guy to sneak into Smokes with a fake ID.

“Why be a good person when it feels so good to be bad?” Gupta asked as he logged onto RateMyProfessors and trashed a class he was failing.

These days, Gupta can be seen on the run from his sins, transgressions, and most importantly, the Boy Scouts of America.

“I know they’re coming for me,” Gupta said, beads of sweat rolling down his face as a spotlight shone through his dorm window, illuminating the premises. “You may take my life, but you’ll never take my rank!”