Student Introduces New Apex Predator to Beat Roach Infestation, Now Plagued by Hyena Infestation

Tom Henderson (C ‘21) couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the third cockroach in just one week in his kitchen. He had worked so hard to keep the place clean, yet all of that was for naught. So he did the only reasonable thing anyone could do in his situation. He introduced spiders.

“Well first I bought some simple spiders to come eat the cockroaches,” Henderson later told us. “And they did just that. But then something strange happened.”

After the spiders finished off the cockroaches, they started to multiply. Fat from their cockroach massacre, Henderson’s apartment proved the perfect breeding ground for a spider infestation.

“Next thing I knew my apartment was arachnid heaven,” Henderson recounted. “So I did the only sensible thing and introduced snakes to kill the spiders.”

Henderson did not realize it at the time, but he was creating a diverse ecosystem in his apartment — one that was becoming increasingly unstable.

“The snakes were a nightmare, I’ll tell you,” Henderson continued. “One morning I woke up and a boa was trying to choke me out. I knew then that something had to be done about these mother-fucking snakes.”

With the snake population at 4047 Delancey growing exponentially, Henderson’s hands were tied. He had to fly some great white hawks in to get rid of those pesky snakes.

“Oh the hawks were the worst,” Henderson cried. “They’d claw at my eyes all night. I was completely outmatched by those majestic beasts.”

Left with no more options, Henderson had to bring in the big guns, an apex predator: hyenas. Faster than any mammal on earth, they got to work, tearing those nettlesome hawks apart limb from limb.

Although Henderson was a slow, fleshy easy catch for the hyenas, they laid off him at first. He had been feeding them steaks, and they’d grown to like him. Trouble came however when Henderson’s roommate Dave came home from a weekend at home in New York. Before he could even express his shock, the hyenas devoured Dave whole.

“Dave’s fucking dead man,” Henderson said frankly. “That’s a tough break you know. Things didn’t really shake our way on this one. But at the same time, I solved the cockroach outbreak and I think Dave is smiling down on me from heaven knowing he didn’t die in vain.”