Look Out! Lanky Guy Desperate to Sit Next to Friend in Lecture

Watch your head! Last Monday, Neal Lowell (W ‘21) was apparently very eager to score a seat next to his friend in lecture.

Usually, Lowell has no issue setting up in the seat adjacent to his best bud as long as he makes it to class early. But thanks to an intense Slack conversation gone overtime, he had no choice but to clear the path to his dear comrade by force.

“Oops, sorry about that,” Lowell said as his gangly, spider-like appendages knocked yet another MacBook onto the dusty auditorium carpet.

Unfortunately, no amount of wincing or uncomfortable squeezing could halt Lowell’s pursuit of his classroom confidante. Over rows, under seats, across auditors — Lowell was willing to take any path necessary.

Lecture attendees have expressed general discomfort about the whole situation.

“It’s kind of a hassle when real-life Slenderman decides to launch himself over your seat without warning,” Jessie Louis (C ‘21) complained.

“What’s so important about that one spot that you have to plow through an entire row of people, awkwardly apologizing along the way?” Richard Sisler (C ‘22) criticized.

As it turns out, the answer is friendship. Beautiful.

“I used to think having friends would slow me down until one of my professors called it ‘social capital’,” Lowell confided. “Now, I have tons.”

Despite the inconvenience and property damage he continues to cause, Lowell isn’t planning on abandoning his second self in the lecture hall anytime soon.

“You don’t understand,” Lowell said with conviction. “I would die for my bros.”