It's Equality: My Girl Calls Me Daddy, But I Call Her Mommy

You could say that I’m a feminist. I go to the Vagina Monologues. I only watch lesbian porn. I only flinch a little when girls ask me to go down on them. And when my girl and I are getting hot and heavy in the bedroom, I’m not afraid to gasp “Mommy!” when she’s treating me right. 

I know what the rest of you patriarchal trash are thinking right now — the word “mommy” has no place in the bedroom. You could not be further from the truth. “Daddy” has become a mainstay of a typical American sex life for a reason — women want to get with strong, dominant, intimately familiar men, and giving voice to that desire through the occasional “daddy” is completely acceptable. But for whatever reason, whenever I want to give voice to my desire for a strong, dominant, and intimately familiar woman, people freak out as soon as the word leaves my lips.

These people aren’t real feminists. If true gender equality is ever to exist in this country, it’s gotta start with equality in the sack. If my woman gets to view me as a parental figure, then, goddamn it, I ought to be able to see her as one, too. And let’s be real here — my girlfriend is gonna be a helluva lot more successful than I am one day. She’s gonna be Grade-A sugar momma material, and if she ever expects to get some sugar from me, she better get ready to step into the giant, gaping hole that my birth mother left in my life after she left me and my father. 

And honestly, is it really so bad from a psychological standpoint if we conflate our boyfriends and girlfriends with our moms and dads? Sigmund Freud didn’t think so, and Sigmund Freud was right about most psychology things. I think. 

Well, anyway, you vanilla bitches are entitled to your bland-ass sex lives. I won’t try to convince you. I’ll be too busy getting busy — with my mommy.