OP-ED: God Gave Cis Majors Self-Doubt Because He Doesn't Want Them to Break out of the Matrix

A recent study by the University of Pennsylvania found that 100% of CIS majors at Penn experience self-doubt, and some straight-up depression. But why?

Could it be the crippling amount of work they are expected to complete every week? Could it be the hours of waiting to see TAs who have no choice but to move as quickly as possible onto the next person in line? Perhaps it's the strictly-enforced private nature of their work that allows for no open collaboration with other CIS students who might otherwise ease their grief. Perhaps it's the constant stream of stereotypical stories from one of any number of online, satirical campus news organizations. (Shame on them, seriously. Can’t they target the nursing students for once?)

While these possibilities were considered by the researchers, they ultimately decided that God was to blame. Said one researcher Jennaya Wilson, “Turns out Elon was right!”

Said God, “Sometimes I put people in bad situations so they will grow as people. With CIS majors though, it was more of a security measure. Those guys are like 200 years away from breaking out of the matrix, and I don’t pay the intern running the human simulation enough to ask him to build a new one.”