The Penn Band Presents New Field Show: You Can Run but You Can't Hide

The University of Pennsylvania Band, the omnipresent, terrifying force that haunts Penn’s campus and athletic events, has unveiled the title of its field show for the upcoming Homecoming game: “You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide.” Members of the band hope that the title communicates their relentless pursuit to convince their peers to join their cult. 

“Join the Penn band!” said Band President Jason Righefsty (C ‘21) immediately after sitting down to be interviewed. “Come for the music! Stay for the family! You don’t need to play an instrument! There’ll be free food! You’ll get a free sweater! And a polo! And pants!” When pressed for comment on the ominous nature of the field show, Righefsty shrugged. “Facts are facts. If we don’t get you this year, we’ll get you the next year. Our plan as a band is total university domination. By the end of my tenure as president, I promise you: every Penn student will also be a bando–even the football and basketball teams.” 

Aiden Rosen (C ‘22), one of the band’s strongest proponents, shares Righefsty’s zeal. “The first words out of my mouth in any conversation are ‘Join the Penn Band!’ I’ve even been stepping up recruitment on social media recently. You know Penn Crushes? Well, the whole page is basically just a hunting ground for us bandos. If you’re lonely, we will find you and we will take you.” 

Says Josh Marankowski (C ‘22), a new convert of the band, “I tried to run from them. I really did. But they didn’t stop. They wore me down. The second I thought I escaped, there they were right there, playing the Super Mario theme with a twinkle in their eyes. Their new field show isn’t just a performance. It’s their lifestyle."