Penn-Princeton Game to See Massive Turnout, Might Fill One Row of Student Section

It’s the competition that every student at Penn has been aching to see this entire semester: this Saturday, the Quakers will go head to head with the Princeton Tigers. Although the Quakers have struggled to overcome their acute attraction to their supremely sexy mascot, they have managed to recover some dignity these past three weekends by not losing to Cornell. 

The storied Penn-Princeton rivalry has been a source of much excitement on campus and has captured the attention of maybe six Penn students over the past 20 years. Says Diana Worth (C ‘21) on the rivalry, “I’ve been a Penn for three years and never have I heard anything about this ‘football’ business. I wasn’t even aware Penn had a football, let alone a football stadium. I thought joy, school spirit, and recreational sports were all things that this university had outlawed years ago.” 

Devon West, an engineering sophomore who still wears his Princeton sweatshirt on a weekly basis, was visibly excited when told about the upcoming game on Saturday. “Princeton’s coming here?!” he cried. “Are they still taking transfer applications? Is it still too late to become a Tiger? I’m very proud to be a Quaker, but I’d be even more proud if I could sport that classic Princeton orange. Red and blue really don’t do me any favors.” 

Rachel Scott (W ‘22) is one of perhaps seven Penn students going to the game on Saturday. “So help me God, this year Penn Rewards will give me that cheap, $50 University Timepiece from AXIA Time. After the small fortune I’ve spent on $15 hot dogs and $20 Chickie’s and Pete’s I will make up the difference.” 

Rachel’s roommate, Scott Hawkins (N ‘22) plans to go with. “Look, we might win this one, we might lose one, but either way, I’m throwing my toast at third quarter and peacing out.”