Penn Student Does Not Want to Die Because That Would Decrease His Productivity

Wharton junior Carlos Johnson recently confessed to a friend that, in his view, dying would decrease his productivity and therefore is not desirable. So, we sat down with him at Saxby’s to delve deeper into this justification (he did not look up from his laptop or stop typing while he spoke with us).

Johnson reported that he was working on a finance spreadsheet and dealing with a hiccup in an upcoming club event. “I have been really productive lately," he said. "I find that I’m most productive in the mornings, which is why I’ve started going to bed at 5 p.m. and waking up at 3 a.m. to do work. Sometimes I go to the gym and use the stationary bike because my laptop fits right on top of it. One bit of lost productivity might cost me everything, so I really can’t afford to take any risks.” 

According to his friends, Johnson likes to do market research for startups in his free time. Outside of that, he attends BYOs for the 15 branches of SPEC of which he is a part.

“Dying would not be good. That would totally decrease my productivity." He paused. "Yeah, that’s really the main problem with it.”