‘I Should Buy a Plant for My Room,' Thinks Soon-To-Be Plant Murderer

Looking around his HamCo bedroom and noticing a distinct lack of local flora, College junior and soon-to-be plant murderer Jacob Milton reportedly thought about buying a plant for his room this Saturday. 

Milton, who will purchase a cute little succulent and accidentally kill it within a week, reasoned that a plant would look good in his room and that he could definitely take care of it. “It would really spruce things up in here, ya know?” said Milton. “How hard can it be to take care of a cactus? You just water it like two or three times a day right?”

After murdering his succulent, which will be christened “Cacky the Cactus” merely hours before its untimely death, Milton will consider getting a cat. It will not go well.